12-3-1

Yesterday, Dean, my pastor shared with us about Jesus and the model He gave us for relationships. He said that in Jesus' outer circle were many people. One circle inside of that contained less people who regularly heard Jesus’ teachings. One circle inside that one contained His 12 disciples. Then inside of that was a circle of three: John, James and Peter. Then there was one more circle which contained John.

Jesus spent more time with each group of people as He went toward the middle. John, He shared everything with. John is actually referred to as the one He loved (John 19:26-27 among other places). It wasn’t that Jesus didn’t love anyone else—that is totally not true. It was just that John had a special relationship with Jesus. He was the one Jesus let get closer than any other.

Dean went on to say that this is an excellent model for each of us. 12-3-1. It would be good for each of us to have a group of around 12 people who have access to our lives and that we can “do life” with. Further, it would be great to have 2-3 people who can keep us on track. Then, to have one who has complete access to our life would be wonderful. We were meant to do life together, in community.

There were eight friendship roles discussed that we should each look for in our lives:

1. Coach – Who brings out the best in me?
2. Thinking – Who challenges my mind?
3. Listening – Who hears my dreams and my heart?
4. Sympathetic – Who cries with me?
5. Laughing – Who belly-laughs with me?
6. Correcting – Who respects me?
7. Playing – Who has fun with me?
8. Seeking – Who deepens my faith?

Answering these questions was a great exercise for me for two reasons. One, it showed me how incredibly blessed I am with the people that God has placed in my life. And, two, it revealed a couple of gaps that I have in my relationship roles that I need to fill.

I encourage you to answer these questions, then to seek to fill in the gaps.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17

Friends

In my last post, I shared about the value of having people in your life who can challenge you, who will love you no matter what and who are committed to making you better. I just got back from breakfast with one of these people in my life. He is not just any friend, but someone I consider to be a true friend. I only have a few such friends--people I can share everything with and who I invite to speak into my life regularly.

Last week I was struggling with the feeling of being overwhelmed while trying to discern where God was leading me. It seemed like I had too many irons in the fire and I was sharing my frustration with my friend. Upon hearing this from me, he said, "Let's get together Saturday to process all this."

So we met Saturday morning...and then into the afternoon. It was an incredible time together and he really helped me to sort some things out and God revealed some great things to me during this time which gave me some clarity.

There were times during our meeting where I just was overwhelmed with emotion and thanksgiving. I was so thankful that God allowed people like him to be in my life. People who will love and accept me, despite all of my issues (of which there are many). People who are willing to give up part of their weekend to help me walk through some things.

On my drive back to my office this morning after my breakfast with this same friend, I reminded myself of how blessed I am to be surrounded with friends like these. I also thought, "Getting together with friends like this to support one another, now, this is doing church."

I share this with you today because I wanted to add something that was not discussed in my last post. Not only will these friends help you to improve in all areas of your life, but you will be incredibly blessed in the process.

If you don't have any friendships like this, my hope is that you would seek them out. These are not things that happen by accident. You must ask people to get together with you and if you feel a connection, then ask if they would be willing to meet regularly.

If you will do this, I promise you will be blessed in more ways than you can imagine.

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:25

Accountability

In my post on Friday I talked about the different faces we all have: the public face, the private face and the personal face. I mentioned that the closer these three faces are to one another the more healthy we are and the more integrity we will have.

Saying we are going to work on this is one thing. Actually doing something about it is another.

One of the things I do for a living is to lead monthly roundtable groups of Christian business leaders. As part of each four hour session, we include a time of accountability. During this time, each member is to share what they want to accomplish during this next month in their personal life and in their business. They will then give a report next month on how they did. If they got it done, we celebrate. If not, they pay a penalty which is usual a stiff financial fine. This drives true change!

I bring this up because as humans, we all have a tendency to do the easy things first and to let the tough things slide. Bringing our three faces in line with one another is definitely not an easy thing and it is certainly not a natural thing for us to do. So, we will need help. We will need accountability.

We all need people in our lives who we can share everything with, who will love us anyway and will care enough about us that they will hold us accountable to doing what is right.

Do you have 1-3 people like this in your life? If not, I encourage you to seek them out.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

Nothing to Hide

I started in my men's accountability group/bible study six years ago. I was terrified the first day. I had no idea what to expect.

I was a guy who kept everything to himself. I wanted everyone to think that everything was going great and that I had no issues. I was a walking facade.

When we began, guys began to share some pretty intimate details about their life, including their issues. My immediate thought was that this was pretty weird. But I have to admit, a part of me was saying this was really cool.

It came my turn to share. I surprised myself by revealing some things that I had been holding on to and trying to carry all by myself.

Immediately afterwards, I felt a tremendous relief, as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I remember calling my wife after the meeting and saying, "What have I been doing all my life without this!" It provided that much relief to me.

I have now come to a place where I realize that everyone has issues. Some are bigger than others, yet we all have 'em. Even Tiger Woods.

Tiger was involved in a minor car accident a few days ago in his driveway which seems pretty strange. He has remained silent about it which has added more fuel to the fire in the media. Yesterday, however, he released an apology of sorts:

"I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart," Woods said on his Web site. "I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone."

I am sure Tiger feels a bit better after releasing this apology; however, I bet he still feels like he is in a prison of sorts because he is trying to keep whatever happened hidden.

There are now rumors of marital infidelity on Woods' part. Even if this is true, I believe Tiger would feel much more free if it was out in the open. Only when it is brought into the light can true healing take place.

I know that Tiger has a lot more at stake than I do or just about anyone else and it's real easy for me to say this, not being in his shoes. However, just because he is one of the most famous people on earth, does not mean that certain axioms don't apply to him. One such axiom that applies here is this one that a good friend of mine shared with me, "When you've got nothing to hide, you are the most free person in the world."

"For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open."

Luke 8:17

Community

Last night I went in my oldest daughter's (she's 20) room to say good night and to give her a kiss. She had a friend over and they were both sitting cross-legged on the bed just talking. They had been in there for a couple of hours and when I went in it looked like they were having a blast.

I thought that was very cool. As I am getting ready to leave for a breakfast appointment with a good friend and former co-worker, I am struck by how similar both of our encounters will be.

My daughter's took place sitting in her bedroom while mine will be in a restaurant. However, they both involve community and doing life together. I am looking forward to getting together with my friend because I haven't seen him in a while and I can't wait to catch up on what is going on in his life.

It didn't used to be this way for me. I used to do my best to not let anyone in. I especially didn't want anyone to know my secrets or my failures. Once I got over myself and began to share myself, the good, the bad and the ugly, I found freedom.

I encourage you to do the same!

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:12

Community

Have you ever watched one of those animal shows on TV? You know, the ones where they show a cougar or lion prowling around and then pursuing it's prey? Have you ever noticed how the hunter chooses which of the animals it will attack?

It is almost always the animal that is not with the group...the one that is isolated. That is because the lion or cheetah or whatever knows that there is safety in numbers. The Bible tells us that Satan prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8b). As a result, he tries to isolate us to make his job easier.

Have you ever said, "I don't need help"? I sure have. That is pride and that is exactly what the enemy wants from us.

This weekend at church, my pastor shared how Jesus did community and it was based on the numbers 12-3-1. He chose 12 to be his friends/disciples. Of those 12, he had three who he invested even more in (James, Peter and John). And of those three, he had one that he could share anything with and that was John.

In Truth At Work we have seen the incredible power of this concept played out. Not only is there protection in being in a group, great ideas and revelation can come out of sharing together as well. Think about what could happen if 10-15 like-minded individuals committed to get together regularly to hold each other accountable and to generate ideas--very powerful.

Jesus knew that he needed community...he needed help. If that was the case for Jesus, don't you think the same holds true for us? So, who are your 12, three and one that you will allow into your life?

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:12b

Bumpers

Last Wednesday through Friday my wife and I attended the Call2All Congress in Dayton, Ohio. It was amazing!

One of the speakers in the business track talked about the importance of having "bumpers" in our life. He said that a bumper is like a bumper used in a bowling alley for kids to keep their ball out of the gutter.

In life, a "bumper" is someone you have given permission to to speak Truth into your life and to hold you accountable. It could be that you need to be bumped because of your eating habits, your lack of exercise, your looking lustfully at members of the opposite sex or spending quiet time with God.

This was a great analogy and I also believe we all should have bumpers in our life. This is tough, though, because having bumpers in your life will force you to change and to grow. Change and growth many times is painful. We might have to give up something that we really like. But, this is the path to true growth and fulfillment in life.

I feel so blessed to have a number of bumpers in my life. These are other men who pray for me, encourage me and speak the brutal truth to me. I had breakfast with one this morning and I have breakfast with another tomorrow.

Do you have bumpers? If not, I challenge you to seek them out and ask them to breakfast or lunch.

The Magic Pill

Tom Ziglar, Zig's son, recently wrote this regarding how to truly improve:

It seems that when it comes to improvement, almost everyone is searching for the Magic Pill. Give me something I can take, something that I don’t have to think about or even believe in, that will work. And it better be a “one and done” Magic Pill, because if you are talking about commitment or work, don’t even talk to me.

The truth is, the Magic Pill does exist, but unfortunately it is not a pill. It’s called accountability. Crazy as it sounds, being held accountable to what you have committed to do actually works! The problem is, if you agree to being held accountable, that means you have agreed to Personal Responsibility. Yikes! Now that is completely out of the question! How can you actually suggest that people should take Personal Responsibility for what they have agreed to do?

That is a great question.

A few weeks ago I wrote about the Truth At Work roundtable groups that have started in NW Ohio and SE Michigan. These groups are extremely powerful because each member, in essence, has a built in board of directors who can advise them in their business and personal lives.

One of the most powerful parts of these roundtable meetings is the accountability portion. Each member shares one thing he/she would like to start doing or stop doing in their personal lives and in their business. Then a fine is determined for each. So, if they are not able to accomplish their goal, they must pay a fine (or some other penalty) which goes into a fund that will be given away at the end of the year.

Have you ever had a goal to lose weight? Have you ever told someone else that goal? If you did, I bet it helped you to achieve your goal. That is why Weight Watchers is so effective.

So if you truly want to change, find someone to hold you accountable.

The Power of Accountability

Yesterday, we had our first Truth At Work roundtable meeting in Toledo. It was incredible! In this group we have 10 executives who want to grow their businesses and grow in their walk with Christ.

We meet for four hours once per month and each member pays a fee to be a part of this group so this is a major commitment. Part of our time together was spent in telling everyone what our one personal and business goal was for the month...that one thing we absolutely want to get done this month at home and at work.

As we went around the room, it was cool to see what each person was saying. Some said they wanted to go on a date or two with their spouse. Others wanted to exercise 6 times per week for 30 minutes. Some wanted to have some tough conversations with an employee that they had been putting off. All lofty goals.

Here is where this is a little different. At the end of that time, we told each of them that if they don't accomplish their goal before our next meeting, they will need to pay $100 into our "giving fund" (will be given away to worthy causes periodically). Let me ask you this. Do you think each of their goals are more likely to be done knowing they are truly being held accountable? Of course they will!

So why is this important? Because most of us need accountability to change.

I recently read in Fast Company Magazine titled Change or Die. In the article they cited a study in which patients with severely clogged arteries were told they needed to change their diet and begin exercising or they would die soon. Seems like pretty good motivation right? Not so.

According to studies, only 1 in 10 (10%) of those told this news did anything about it. Can you imagine that? Being told you are going to die unless you change and yet still not changing. We all fall into this.

However, they did a study with 333 patients and they put them into a group that helped to support them and hold them accountable. You know what happened? 77% of the participants changed their eating and exercise habits!

That is the power of accountability. If you truly want change to happen, find a way to be held accountable!

The Meltdown

I work at home on Thursdays. This morning I was getting ready to begin my day when I heard my 11 year-old son throwing a temper tantrum downstairs. Apparently, we were out of milk and we didn't have enough of his favorite cereal. So, he decided that he didn't want to go to school this morning. It was not pretty.

I went downstairs and did my best to talk with him in a calm voice. When it was all said and done, he ended up losing out on electronics for the next 3 days. But, he ended up going to school. By the way, he also ended up not eating anything.

Some parents might think of this as cruel, but I want Robbie to know there are consequences to his actions, even if he is hungry for a few hours. Trust me when I tell you that I have a long way to go in my parenting skills, but I would rather have him face the consequences from me than from a judge (who doesn't love him like I do) in 10 years.

No matter where you are in your leadership, whether it be at work or at home, I think others want to be held accountable. I have found this especially true in the work place. There is nothing that can destroy an organization's morale faster than a leader who does not hold others accountable. This does nothing but upset the best workers.

I love my son very much, so much that I want him to learn what is best for him, therefore I hold him accountable. When you hold someone acountable you are not being mean-spirited, you are actually showing that person love.