Listen First

A man enters a cocktail lounge and goes directly to the bartender. "Do you have anything that will cure the hiccups?" he asks. Without a word the bartender slaps him across the face with a wet rag.

"Hey! What's the big idea?" the surprised man shouts.

The bartender smiles and says, "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man replies, "I never did. I wanted something to help my wife who's in the car."

Who do you relate to in this story? Hopefully not the bartender. Unfortunately, I am like the bartender way too often. When someone is talking to me, I have a tendency to jump to conclusions before they are done. I'm especially guilty of this when listening to my wife.

I am trying to discipline myself to not only listen, but to ask clarifying questions before coming to a conclusion or giving an answer. I am working on being more patient and holding my tongue until I have all the facts. How about you?

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Proverbs 17:28

Talkaholics

We had a great day today. It included several hours at the pool, a great hike at the top of a mountain with lots of laughing and family time. It even included this little guy (see below) coming up to our chalet. Cool stuff...God is good!
However, this morning started out a bit rocky. We were invited to come hear about the resort which we knew was going to be a time share presentation. As a family, we decided to accept their "bribe" of some money off at the resort plus a free breakfast. It might not have been the best decision we have made this trip.

Dawn (not her real name) was assigned to us as our salesperson. She immediately began talking and did not stop for a couple hours. I seriously fought the urge to ask her how she breathed. She talked non-stop. In fact, at one point she said that she didn't care what we thought of her or even what we did for a living. Being a salesperson myself, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. One of the first things you learn in Sales 101 Class is that you need to build rapport by listening to your prospect.

Molly, my 18 year-old daughter summed it up best, however, when she said, "You know what? As painful as that was I just tried to look at this as a learning experience so that I NEVER talk that much!" Well said!

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.

James 1:19

Dripping Pride

Drip. Drip. Drip. That was the sound that came from two of our bathroom faucets in our house. Last Wednesday, I went to the hardware store to purchase seats and springs to fix the issue. I am not the most handy guy on the planet, but I can typically do stuff like this (I have done this about 5-6 times in the past). Because of my "experience" with this issue, I figured this job would take about 15-20 minutes to fix both faucets.

When I arrived home, I put in the parts and found they were the wrong size. So...trip #2 to the hardware store.

After returning, I put in the new parts and they fit great. I then reattached the faucet, turned the water on, and...nothing. Not even a drip. So, I was very successful at stopping the drip, because now nothing came out of the faucet!

I took it apart and reassembled it...now just a slight trickle. Took it apart, put it back together, now, nothing. I repeated this countless times with no positive results.

So I gave up on that faucet and went to the other one. Same exact results.

Then my wife and 13 year-old son, Robbie, come home from a pool party our church youth group held. After explaining the situation, Robbie says to me, "What about that thingy?" He was pointing at the aerator on the end of the faucet. I said, "No, that couldn't be it since water was coming out fine before." After all, how could a 13 year-old have the answer to this "complex" problem?

After a few more tries, I became totally frustrated and gave up for the night. Because I was busy, I didn't get back to it until Saturday.

Saturday morning, I took the entire faucet apart and went to the hardware store for the third time. I asked their plumbing expert what I was doing wrong and he told me everything I was doing seemed right to him. He wished me well and sent me on my way.

So, back home I went to try it again. After a few more tries with the same result, I found myself grasping at straws. I thought I might as well take the aerator off to see if Robbie was right, as I had no other options.

Sure enough, it was totally clogged by some sediment I must have stirred up while working on it. I cleaned both aerators out and the faucets work fine now! Had I listened to Robbie from the get-go, I would have saved myself several hours of frustration.

I wondered to myself how many other instances I ignore words of advice because it is coming from someone whom I don't feel could possibly have any wisdom to share.

Bill Hybels has said several times during the Willow Creek Leadership Summit that he looks to learn from all sort of people. As a result, they have had some speakers at the Summit, who would probably surprise you...not people you would typically see at a Christian event. Hybels knows we can all learn from anyone, even if we don't agree with them about everything.

Hybels is right. We can learn from anyone...if our pride doesn't get in the way!

Pride

Have you ever been so sure you were right that you weren't open to hearing the other side? Pride...an ugly thing.

Have you ever been in that situation and then been proven wrong? Pretty humbling isn't it? I have been here more times than I care to admit. It takes true humility to listen, to really listen to someone when you believe your position is the right one.

Check out this video. Not only will you get a chuckle out of it, but hopefully it will shed some light on how you listen to others, even when you "know" you are right.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
James 1:19

Are You Listening?

Yesterday I spent some time with someone I have known for a long time discussing Truth At Work. Gary is an extremely successful insurance agent and expert on sales (in fact he does a lot of sales training). He is someone I look up to and respect a great deal. I have always enjoyed being with him.

I left our meeting feeling really good. As I reflected on our time together, I was wondering what it was about Gary that makes me feel this way every time I am with him.

I realized that he is an excellent listener. He doesn't talk much about himself and he is always very interested in me when we are together. That's probably why I always feel so good when I am around him. I guess that also explains why he is so good at what he does!

My dear brothers, take note of this; Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

James 1:19

Encouragement

Last night in our home group through our church we discussed encouragement. We are instructed to encourage others frequently in the Bible.

During our study last night, I learned that we can encourage others in a lot of ways including:

- Listening to them
- Just being there for them
- Saying nice things to them
- Smiling at them
- Laughing with them
- A hug

We even discovered that the way we handle our struggles can be an encouragement to others.

All of these things have one thing in common, they all show love for others. And isn’t that what Jesus commands us to do?

So who are you going to encourage today and how will you do it?

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Seek First to Understand

In the home group my wife and I host, we are focusing on ways to build up our marriages. The study we are doing now deals with communication. I think just about every couple in our group agrees that communication is a major issue in their marriages--I know it is in my marriage.

One of the sessions we focused on was seeking first to understand before being understood. I first heard this from Stephen Covey in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It is a great concept that follows Biblical principles. If we can all do this with everyone we communicate with, imagine how much better our communication would be.

In addition to improving communication, doing this is a great way to show the love of Christ to others. Try it today, even where you work!

By the way, I think what is mentioned in the video may be going a little far in seeking to understand.

Impressing Others

I just received this story in an email:

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .

Now give me back my dog.

Sometimes we can be in such a hurry to impress people that we actually look bad. To top that off, when we do this we can make the others feel inferior or worse, unimportant.

One of the best ways to avoid doing this is to focus on listening, even if (and maybe expecially if) we feel the need to share what we know or try to impress someone. A saying from the Quakers says, "Before you speak make sure you are going to improve upon the silence." Very well said.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19

Listening Leadership

I'm a believer that you can learn things from anyone--even from your enemy. As a result, I am reading Bo Schembechler's book on leadership, Bo's Lasting Lessons: The Legendary Coach Teaches the Timeless Fundamentals of Leadership. Many of you know that I am a die-hard Buckeye, so this is a stretch for me--although it's not as difficult as you might think, because Bo actually started his career as an assistant to Woody Hayes at Ohio State.

In any event, last night I read something interesting. Bo shared how on Tuesdays and Wednesdays before a game, much of his time was spent in long meetings with his assistants devising a game plan for the coming game. He gave explicit instructions to his assistant that nobody could interrupt them, not even a phone call from the president of the university...or even the president of the United States!

There was one exception to this however. If any player, whether they were a star player or a lowly walk-on, came to see him, she was to interrupt the meeting immediately so that he could talk with them. He said, you need to take care of those on your team and when you do this they will play much harder for you.

This is impressive to me. I can see that I need to do a better job of this in many areas of my life, especially with those in my family. Thanks for the lesson Bo!

Seek First to Understand

Stephen Covey, in his best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People mentions seeking first to understand before trying to be understood as one of those 7 habits. This is very good advice. How many people do you know who are truly great listeners?

I'll bet those who you think are great listeners are held in high esteem by you. Wouldn't you like someone to be able to say that you are a great listener?

It truly is easier to be understood after you listen to the other person first. Have you tried it lately?

I challenge you to try it today. In fact you will probably find your frustration level dropping as being misunderstood can be frustrating. And, as leaders, we need to step up to improve communication all around us because it is so important.

This is much needed as it is so easy to be misunderstood as these church bulletin announcements prove:

• Ushers will eat latecomers.
• She sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving much pleasure to the congregation.
• Sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. Sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
• The patient is having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
• Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell " to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• A letter to the men’s fellowship reads: "All members are requested to bring their wives and one other covered dish to the annual banquet."
• The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
• The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
• Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
• Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Miscommunication

I just switched health insurance carriers for my family. Two days ago I logged onto their site to assign primary care physicians for each member of my family which went according to plan...or so I thought.

Last night I received an email which said the following:

Dear Mr. Lange,

We received your request to change primary care physicians for you and your wife. Unfortunately, our records indicate that the doctor you selected is contracted to only to see patients between the ages of 10 and 150 years of age.

You need to select a new primary care physician.

I have to admit, I was a little ticked when I first received this because it just means that I need to place a phone call sometime today and probably be placed on hold for what will seem like an eternity. But in a few minutes, I had to laugh. You have to admit, this is a little comical.

When I tried to figure out why I was ticked, it probably had more to do with the fact that I felt like I wasn't listened to--they did not get what I was telling them. Granted, it is a computer program I am talking about and not a real person, but it still upset me.

The same applies with us every day. We are commanded to listen, so let's do that, especially if we are leaders.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19b

The New Crack Berry?

The new iPhone is almost here (click here to read a story about its release). Will you be one of the first buyers?

In my July newsletter, I have written about how I believe technology is actually costing us time - at least time in our meaningful relationships. Technology can be very helpful and is designed to save us time, yet I see people (me included) becoming addicted to it. I regularly see people reaching for their cell phone or their Blackberry while they are in the middle of a conversation which I think tells the person they are with You aren't that important.

James 1:19 says ...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

How can we listen to other people when we are more focused on our things?

A Man of Few Words

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19

I think many of us are poor listeners because we talk too much. Do you speak too much? How about in written communications?

Abe Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address a little over 130 years ago. Look at how his words compare:

Gettysburg Address - 272 words
Bag of Lay's Potato Chips - 401 words
IRA Form 1040 EZ - 418 words
Average USA Today cover story - 1,200 words