Connecting

Yesterday, my daughter Molly said good-bye to Jolto. Jolto was the name for her first car. Molly is moving out of town soon and does not need a car so she sold it.

The first person who came to see it ended up buying it. Before buying it the negotiation had to take place. Molly had not done this before, but I had prepped her a bit for it.

The amazing thing about it is that all of the negotiation happened without a verbal word being spoken. 100% took place via text messaging. Yes, I guess that’s a sign of the times, but I still find this amazing. (By the way, Molly did very well in her first major haggling experience--I think both she and the buyer got a good deal!)

I heard a similar point made last week. One of our Truth At Work members owns an auto dealership. He mentioned in our last roundtable meeting that many new cars are being made with hookups for laptops and cell phones which will allow them to remain charged. In addition, each laptop will have WIFI capability so passengers can browse the internet.

Just think, with one of these new cars, when you go on your next family vacation, your entire family can be talking to everyone else in the word except each other.

So much is missed in communicating electronically. Much of communication happens through non-verbals. Though text-messaging qualifies as non-verbal communication, you can’t get any additional information from the sender other than the words being spoken.

I encourage you to make it a point today to reach out to someone and actually talk with them...to connect. Better yet, see if you can talk with them in person!

Finding Common Ground

In my last post I shared about some barriers to finding common ground with others according to John Maxwell in his book, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect. Today, I will share how Maxwell recommends that we cultivate a common ground mindset:

1. Availability - "I will choose to spend time with others" (Common ground must be discovered, and that takes time)

2. Listening - "I will listen my way to common ground" (Finding common ground requires us to pay attention to others.)

3. Questions - "I will be interested enough in others to ask questions" (Larry King says his favorite question is an easy one to remember, "Why?")

4. Thoughtfulness - "I will think of others and look for ways to thank them" (Thinking of others first is one of the best ways to connect)

5. Openness - "I will let people into my life" (Connection always requires both parties to engage and be open.)

6. Likability - "I will care about people" (If people like you, they will listen to you; if they don't, they won't.)

7. Humility - "I will think of myself less so I can think of others more" (If you want to impact people, don't talk about your successes; talk about your failures.)

8. Adaptability - "I will move from my world to theirs" (Don't tell people about you, begin by seeing things from their perspective.)

Do you see a pattern with each of these? Each of them is focused on the other person first. Each is suggesting we put aside our selfish desires to focus on the other. This is the way to connect.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Philippians 2:3

Barriers to Common Ground

In John Maxwell's latest book, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect, he says that finding common ground is a critical component to connecting. In fact, he says the practice above all others that opens the door to connection with others is finding common ground.

In trying to coach us to be better connectors, Maxwell shares four barriers to finding common ground:

1. Assumption - "I already know what others know, feel, and want." Problem: Whenever you are quick to make assumptions, you stop paying attention to people and miss clues that would otherwise help you to reach common ground with them.

2. Arrogance - "I don't need to know what others know, feel, or want." Problem: You can't build a relationship with anyone when you don't care about them.

3. Indifference - "I don't care to know what others know, feel, or want." Problem: This is really selfishness.

4. Control - "I don't want others to know what I know, feel, or want." Problem: Secrecy spawns isolation not success.

As you can see, none of these four is a good place to be. I'll bet you can identify people in your life who are in each of these categories. The question is, can you identify if you are?

Seek First to Understand

In the home group my wife and I host, we are focusing on ways to build up our marriages. The study we are doing now deals with communication. I think just about every couple in our group agrees that communication is a major issue in their marriages--I know it is in my marriage.

One of the sessions we focused on was seeking first to understand before being understood. I first heard this from Stephen Covey in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It is a great concept that follows Biblical principles. If we can all do this with everyone we communicate with, imagine how much better our communication would be.

In addition to improving communication, doing this is a great way to show the love of Christ to others. Try it today, even where you work!

By the way, I think what is mentioned in the video may be going a little far in seeking to understand.

Communication

I recently read something from John Maxwell regarding communication. I thought it was so good, I thought I'd share it here:

COMMUNICATION – A LEADER’S KEY TO SUCCESS
By Dr. John C. Maxwell

For my whole life, I have opened my car door by inserting a metal key into a physical lock. Now, I can unlock the doors and start the car at the push of a button. It seems like magic to me, but it’s actually a simple application of science.

Keyless entry and keyless ignition are made possible when a transmitter within your key fob communicates with a radio receiver inside the car. Two conditions are necessary for this communication to take place: 1) the transmitter must be set to the same frequency as the receiver, and 2) the transmitter must send a uniquely coded message which the receiver has been programmed in advance to recognize.

Communication acts as a leader’s “keyless entry” into relationships. It can open the mind of an employer, the wallet of investors, and the hearts of loved ones. Talented communicators seem magical when they weave their words together. However, much like the concept of keyless entry, great communication depends on two simple skills—context and delivery. Context attunes a leader to the same frequency as his or her audience. Delivery allows a leader to phrase messages in a language the audience can understand.

As we explore context and delivery, we’ll draw upon Steven K. Scott’s book, The Richest Man Who Ever Lived. In the book, Scott offers commentary on the words of King Solomon, the wealthiest man in history. Renowned for his wisdom, Solomon writings are filled with advice about effective communication.

CONTEXT

Listen before Speaking
“He that answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame unto him.” ~ Proverbs 18:13

Earn the right to be heard by listening to others. Seek to understand a situation before making judgments about it. As the Greek philosopher, Epictetus, observed, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

Understand Human Nature
“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” ~ Proverbs 12:18
Words are powerful, and they can build up or tear down those who hear them. Regardless of your audience or avenue of communication, the following principles enable you to communicate constructively.

People are insecure. Leaders can bestow confidence by demonstrating their trust and belief in a person’s abilities. People want to feel special. Leaders win a loyal following when they are generous with compliments and acts of appreciation. People are looking for a better future. Leaders inspire through an optimistic outlook and words of hope. People are selfish. Leaders learn to motivate when they begin speaking to the needs of their people.

Be Emotionally Aware
“Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day…is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.” ~ Proverbs 25:20

Communicating within context involves taking the emotional temperature of others. Pay attention to facial expressions, voice inflection, and posture. They give clues to a person’s mood and attitude.

DELIVERY

Adopt an Appropriate Tone
“A soft answer turns away wrath but grievous words stir up anger.” ~ Proverbs 15:1

When you’re emotionally aware, you’re halfway to effective communication, but you still have to deliver your words appropriately. Many times it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Adopt a fitting tone to address the emotional state of those around you, and your words will have their desired effect.

Speak Persuasively
“The heart of the wise teaches his mouth and adds persuasiveness to his lips.” ~ Proverbs 16:23

The National Storytelling Festival, held in Jonesborough, Tennessee features some of America’s most captivating communicators. Listen for awhile, and you’ll discover traits that allow them to persuade listeners to take interest in the stories they tell.

Enthusiasm. The storytellers obviously enjoy what they are doing, expressing themselves with joy and vitality. Animation. The presentations are marked by lively facial expressions and gestures. Audience Participation. Almost every storyteller involves the audience in some way, asking listeners to sing, clap, repeat phrases, or do sign language. Spontaneity. None of the storytellers have notes. The festival is truly an oral event. Storytellers didn’t read their stories; they tell them, which allowed for eye contact.

Be Honest
“He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.” ~ Proverbs 10:18

In an effort to persuade, leaders may be tempted to cross the line into manipulation. When doing so, facts may be fabricated or spun deceptively. Lies add complexity to life since the liar has to operate under the guise of falsehood. Eventually, lies are brought to light and undermine credibility. Leaders protect their character by using discretion in their language. They speak truthfully—even when honesty is costly.

SUMMARY

Poor communication is the number one culprit of failed relationships—in business and at home. Since relationships are the foundation of success, leaders would be wise to invest in the communication skills of context and delivery. Master them, and you’ll more easily gain favor, more readily make friends, and more effectively motivate others.