How Can I Forgive?

Yesterday, I wrote about a story that Ed Laymance included in his eBook, Not Against Flesh and Blood, which showed how forgiving others can give us true freedom.

So how can you do this, especially if someone has hurt you deeply?

Laymance gives the following steps in his book:

1. Begin by asking God to bring to mind anyone you need to forgive. Ask yourself, "Is there anyone, living or dead that I feel owes me something? Am I holding a grudge or bitterness against someone? do I carry disappointment with me? Is there anyone, living or dead, who hurt me or harmed me and I'm wearing that hurt?"

2. On a pad of paper make a list of the names God brings to mind. Don't be surprised if your name is on the list. You may be carrying guilt or shame for something you allowed. Don't be surprised if God's name is on the list. You may be confused, angry, or hurt that God allowed bad things to happen to you or someone you love. After five to ten minutes, you will have a list.

3. Tear off that page and set it aside. Start with any name on your list and put that name at the top of a clean sheet of paper. Then ask God to show you what it is about this person that you need to release.

4. Write down everything that comes to mind. This is not a novel, so you need not start at the beginning of the relationship and work forward. One thought will connect with another. Write what comes. Use words, phrases, paragraphs, and symbols--however you want to do this. This is for no one's eyes but yours, so be brutally honest. Hold nothing back.

5. some of what you write will be connected to other people on your list. Just make a note by their name; you will add this to their list later. Keep on task with one person at a time.

6. This is pretty emotional stuff, so you will need to take an occasional break. Take a walk, blow your nose, hit a pillow, get a drink--but stay with it until you feel you are done.

7. What you're going to do next may seem silly or stupid. do it anyway. This is a very important step. Make sure you are alone and no one can hear you. Imagine the person you've been writing about is sitting in a chair close by. You need to stand, so you can walk around. I want you to see yourself as a judge. What you have written is a list of indictments against that person. As judge, read out loud everything you've written; with whatever emotions you feel; using whatever words and volume you need to use. This is "no holds barred", "up close and personal", "in the face", "full force"! Don't be "Christian" or "appropriate". Let 'em have it! Include any additional things that come to mind. Say exactly what you feel.

8. Some of what you've written only needs to be said once. Some of what you've written needs to be said more than once. Say what you've written until it no longer needs to be said--a hundred times if necessary. One of the reasons you've been carrying this stuff is because it needed to be said, and you needed hear yourself say it - without debate, rebuttal, excuse, or explanation from the one who hurt you.

9. When you get to the last word on the last page, having expressed all emotions you needed to express, as judge, declare out loud, "Guilty as charged!"

10. Then as judge, declare out loud, "Case dismissed!"

11. Next, pray, "Holy Father, I do not feel like dismissing this (because you don't!), but I don't want to be controlled by this way any longer. I choose to forgive and release it to you. I choose to "flush". Now, help me walk away from how I feel and enjoy the sweet smell of freedom! Amen."

12. Destroy what you've written as a physical representation to yourself that the case has been dismissed. Dig a hole and bury it, burn it, shred it, whatever feels good. One person I helped said when they were finished with everyone on their list, in addition to destroying what they had written, they wrote each name on an individual sheet of toilet paper and flushed each one. What a great idea!

13. Repeat this process until you have an "emotional funeral" for everyone on your list. Don't stop until you have flushed everything. One inch of raw sewage in the house is better than six inches, but the house still stinks!

Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.

Luke 11:4