Finding Common Ground

In my last post I shared about some barriers to finding common ground with others according to John Maxwell in his book, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect. Today, I will share how Maxwell recommends that we cultivate a common ground mindset:

1. Availability - "I will choose to spend time with others" (Common ground must be discovered, and that takes time)

2. Listening - "I will listen my way to common ground" (Finding common ground requires us to pay attention to others.)

3. Questions - "I will be interested enough in others to ask questions" (Larry King says his favorite question is an easy one to remember, "Why?")

4. Thoughtfulness - "I will think of others and look for ways to thank them" (Thinking of others first is one of the best ways to connect)

5. Openness - "I will let people into my life" (Connection always requires both parties to engage and be open.)

6. Likability - "I will care about people" (If people like you, they will listen to you; if they don't, they won't.)

7. Humility - "I will think of myself less so I can think of others more" (If you want to impact people, don't talk about your successes; talk about your failures.)

8. Adaptability - "I will move from my world to theirs" (Don't tell people about you, begin by seeing things from their perspective.)

Do you see a pattern with each of these? Each of them is focused on the other person first. Each is suggesting we put aside our selfish desires to focus on the other. This is the way to connect.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Philippians 2:3

Barriers to Common Ground

In John Maxwell's latest book, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect, he says that finding common ground is a critical component to connecting. In fact, he says the practice above all others that opens the door to connection with others is finding common ground.

In trying to coach us to be better connectors, Maxwell shares four barriers to finding common ground:

1. Assumption - "I already know what others know, feel, and want." Problem: Whenever you are quick to make assumptions, you stop paying attention to people and miss clues that would otherwise help you to reach common ground with them.

2. Arrogance - "I don't need to know what others know, feel, or want." Problem: You can't build a relationship with anyone when you don't care about them.

3. Indifference - "I don't care to know what others know, feel, or want." Problem: This is really selfishness.

4. Control - "I don't want others to know what I know, feel, or want." Problem: Secrecy spawns isolation not success.

As you can see, none of these four is a good place to be. I'll bet you can identify people in your life who are in each of these categories. The question is, can you identify if you are?

Doing Life Together

Tuesday morning as I was leaving a breakfast meeting, I ran into an extremely nice lady whom I grew up across the street from. Though her husband has passed away several years ago, she still lives in the same house.

I hadn't seen her in several years so it was great to catch up. She looked absolutely great and she seemed in very good spirits. She mentioned to me that she was there for a breakfast meeting of her own. She shared with me that she's been meeting with the same ladies every week for breakfast for close to 50 years. She mentioned that three of her group have passed away but the remaining four still visit.

That's right, once each week they converge on the same restaurant to be with one another. Even if they don't feel like it and even if they are busy. She said, "Through rain, sleet or snow, we are here at 9 AM every Tuesday." It is obviously that important to them. Perhaps this might explain why she looked so great and was (and always has been since I've known her) in such a positive mood.

A great lesson for each of us. We were meant to do life in community. So who are you doing life with?

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Hebrews 10:25

A Wasted Day?

Yesterday I played hooky with my wife. Yes, on a “work” day, we drove about two hours north and hung out in Port Huron, Michigan; a place we had never been. No phone calls. No work at all. No agenda. For those of you who don’t know me, this sort of thing is very difficult for me to do.

A friend of mine just spent the day there with his wife and he recommended it to me, so I decided to kidnap Connie and do the same thing. And, it was truly an awesome day.

Not only was the weather perfect, but we were both amazed at the color of the water in the St. Clair River (shown in picture above) and in Lake Huron. It literally looked like we were staring at the crystal blue water of the Caribbean. But it was only two hours from our home. Incredible.

We spread out a blanket and ate a picnic lunch by the river. We took a leisurely walk. Then we drove to a beach on Lake Huron which reminded us of beaches in Cancun. Again, amazing.

Another great part of our day was the two hour car ride there and back. It gave Connie and me some great time to talk and to listen to some great teachings on CD by Joyce Meyer which really hit home with us.

Yes, you might say I wasted a work day and I might agree with you. However, I believe I invested a day…in my relationship with my wife. And you want to know something that I discovered? The world was still spinning on its axis when we got back. Imagine that.

Men Vs. Boys

On Sunday we arrived at church to find that our pastor had a terrible ear infection and would not be speaking to us. We were told that they had a backup plan and that was for us to watch a video of another pastor delivering a message about the differences between men and boys which was very appropriate for Father's Day. The message was a very good one so I thought I'd share the main points here.

He shared with us six characteristics of a man:
1. A man supports himself and likes to work. Boys doesn't want to work.
2. A man has a vision for his life and is willing to do the things necessary to get there. A boy whines and doesn't want to do hard things.
3. A man is a team player while a boy takes his ball and goes home when things don't go his way.
4. A man is a protector and is looking out for others while a boy only looks out for himself.
5. A man takes a minority position while a boy wants to be with the "in" crowd.
6. A man takes responsibility while a boy passes the buck.

I have been talking a lot lately with my 14 year-old son about what it means to be a man so I was very glad that he was with us and could hear this as well as it was great reinforcement. It was also good for me because I have been a boy in many areas of my life for a long time. How about you--does any of this resonate with you?

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
1 Corinthians 13:11

Turning Lemons into Lemonade

"Touchdown Jesus" is what it has been called. Well, the famous statue in Monroe, Ohio (pictured above - I thought all the Ohio State fans might like this picture) was struck by lightning and destroyed by fire earlier this week (story here).

My first reaction upon hearing this was how sad it was. The damage to the statue alone is $300,000. But then I heard what has happened as a result.

The story has been broadcast all over the world and the pastor of Solid Rock Church said that the destruction of the monument has brought as much attention as the building of it, if not more.

On the surface, this seems like a bad thing and some are agreeing by saying that this is God showing His displeasure at this statue. However, when you look at the incredible media attention around the world, all this is doing is making Jesus even more famous, and that is a good thing.

To me, this is a great picture of one of God's promises to us. He tells us in Romans 8:28, And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. That is God's way, turning lemons into lemonade. The cool thing about it is that He promises to do this in our lives too if we love Him and are called according to His purpose!

Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.
Isaiah 26:8

Connecting

In John Maxwell's latest book, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect, he shares the importance of connecting with others, whether it be in a one on one setting, a group environment or as a speaker to an audience.

It doesn't take a degree in rocket science to know that connection skills are extremely important, whether you are a stay at home mom, a sales person or a public speaker.

Maxwell states that if you were to buy a car, when you walked into that showroom, whether you realized it or not, you internally asked yourself three key questions :

1. Do you care for me?
2. Can you help me?
3. Can I trust you?

If you don't answer yes to all three of these questions, this salesperson will not be able to connect with you. As a result, his or her chance for a sale is drastically reduced.

Those three questions can be extremely helpful for us, regardless of our occupation. If others can answer yes to these questions about you, you can be confident that you are connecting with them.

To simplify this, if you were to follow Jesus' instruction and love others as yourself, others certainly would be answering yes to these questions about you.

"Love your neighbor as yourself."
Matthew 22:39b

Fertile Soil

Believe it or not, I am going to talk about the landscaping project in our front yard again. First I posted about the project which seemed like it would never end. Then I wrote about the fact that before I knew it there was grass growing. A couple weeks ago I discussed the weeds that have cropped up.

Well, in order to begin this project, my son and I needed to move the stone that was already down (we put this down instead of wood mulch). This stone was moved on a sidewalk on the side of our garage until we could find a new home for it.

We began the moving project last weekend and before the first shovel hit the first stone, the above picture is what we found. There were actually weeds growing in these rocks (see above). I reached down to pull them out and noticed how easily I could remove them. You see, just prior to this I was removing some weeds in the area where these stones were going to go. It took an incredible amount of effort to remove these weeds.

I was reminded of Jesus’ parable of the farmer who was planting his seed. He was showing us that that there would be different types of Christians:

“A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. He who has ears, let him hear.”

Jesus was showing us that some people will be just like the weeds growing in our rocks with very shallow roots and easy to dislodge (“But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away.” – Matthew 13:21).

He also mentions there are three other types of people. One who doesn’t understand the word at all, another who lets the worries of this life choke out the word and a third who will be like most of my other weeds, with deep roots and very difficult to remove—these people will produce a nice crop. So which are you going to be?

One of a Kind

I have always been a huge fan of John Wooden, UCLA's legendary basketball coach who recently passed away at the age of 99. So when I read what my friend and fellow Buckeye, Bob Tamasy, wrote about Coach Wooden, I thought I would share it here. I hope you enjoy:

As a teenager, I hated UCLA basketball. After all, they won all the time. From 1964 to 1975, the Bruins reigned as National Champions 10 years out of 12, including seven in a row. It seemed unfair UCLA could have players like Lew Alcindor (now known as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) and Bill Walton, when nobody else did. But what UCLA had, most of all, was a one-of-a-kind coach named John Wooden.

Over his 27-year career at UCLA, Wooden posted an overall record of 620-147. Look up “dominant” in the dictionary and you’ll probably see his photo alongside the definition. Despite remarkable on-court accomplishments, however, Wooden stood out for other reasons. He was a man of integrity, of principle, and of faith. With his passing June 4 at the age of 99, the world lost a remarkable individual.

Millions of words already have been said and written in homage to him, and I’m hardly one to write with authority about Wooden. I did meet him once in Columbus, Ohio at a sports awards program back in the late ‘70s. Already retired, he was still held in awe by everyone he encountered. He was humble, unassuming, quite unlike many celebrity coaches of today. Like the old E.F. Hutton commercials, whenever Wooden spoke, people knew they should listen.

After his beloved wife, Nellie, died in 1985, he never remarried. He never even dated. It’s said that Wooden, a native Midwesterner, had just accepted an offer to coach at UCLA when a phone call came to offer him a job to coach at Minnesota. Wooden declined the offer, holding to his UCLA commitment. Why? Because he had given his word.

Young men who played for Wooden at UCLA inevitably left his mentorship as better men, whether they advanced to the professional level or not.

Proverbs 11:3 says, “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” From all accounts, Coach Wooden was never accused of “duplicity.” In an age when double-mindedness seems prevalent, when principles rarely interfere with ambition, we need more people like John Wooden. By God’s grace, may it be so.

Stress

The picture below has two identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at the mayo Clinic and later at Fletcher Medical Center in Burlington.

Look at both dolphins. They are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress will find many differences between the two dolphins.

The more differences a person finds, the more stress that person in experiencing.

Scroll down the page and look at the photograph below, and if you find more than one or two differences, you may need to take a vacation...














A friend gave this to me today and I thought it was great. While it is funny, there is a lot of truth to the fact that we are all stressed to some degree.

While at times I am the poster child for a stressed person, I know that that is not what God wants for us. He wants us to have peace (John 14:27) and life to the full (John 10:10). Perhaps we just need to slow down and know that He is God...

"Be still and know that I am God."
Psalm 46:10a

Begin With End In Mind

In his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey writes that one habit effective people have is that they begin with the end in mind. In other words, they determine where they want to go and then they are intentional about doing the things necessary to get there.

Francis Chan, in his book Crazy Love, has a chapter titled, "Profile of The Lukewarm." In it he describes what a lukewarm Christian looks like. It is quite sobering. He quotes CS Lewis who said, "If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this."

I have been stressing this point to my fourteen year-old son lately. I have been telling him that real men expect the greater reward, God's reward. I explain that men push through their feelings and do what is right, even if it means not getting what they want right now. They are to expect something much, much greater...God's reward.

God does have something much greater for us. In addition to being with Him for eternity, He has rewards for us that He wants to give us for what we have done here (on the Day - notice the capital D in the verse below). Let's look to those rewards which are much greater than any rewards we can receive here.

For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man’s work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.
1 Corinthians 3:11-15

Class

On Wednesday night, history was made, but not in the way two individuals would have liked. The Detroit Tigers were hosting the Cleveland Indians and the Tigers' pitcher, Armando Galarraga had to get one more out in the ninth inning to complete the 21st perfect game in major league history. He had faced 26 batters to this point and gotten 26 outs. Amazing stuff.

He pitched to Jason Donald who grounded to first baseman Miguel Cabrera who then tossed it to Galarraga who rushed over to cover first base. Jim Joyce, (who was born in my home town of Toledo) the first-base umpire called the runner safe when replays showed he was clearly out.

Being a lifelong Tigers fan, I was furious when I saw this. I was amazed though at Galarraga's reaction. He just smiled. Then the next day I was even more amazed at the graciousness, humility and class shown by both Galarraga and Joyce (I ENCOURAGE YOU TO WATCH THE ABOVE VIDEO - IT IS A MUST SEE!).

Armando Galarraga comes out to present the lineup card (a job typically done by the manager of the team) to Jim Joyce who is the home plate umpire. Joyce is totally choked up with emotion because he knew that he had made a mistake and cost this young pitcher a place in history. He is totally undone by this and looks totally humbled. And then there is Galarraga, who could be very bitter and angry, supporting this broken man with great compassion.

Total class in action from both of these guys. Totally amazing and beautiful to see!

Fertilizer

I have posted a couple of times now about a landscaping project that we began a month or so ago in our front yard (post 1 here, post 2 here).

This past weekend, my son Robbie and I were outside and we noticed that there were a ton of weeds in the area that we are growing new grass (see above picture) so we began to remove them. While doing this, Robbie asked me why there were all these weeds here and not in the rest of our lawn.

Great question I thought. I went on to explain that we put down a special fertilizer in the spring which helps to prevent weed seeds from germinating and that I made sure not to get that fertilizer on our new soil, otherwise, in addition to not having weeds we wouldn't have much grass either.

Then I had the opportunity to point out to him about how this is like our life. Without missing a beat he said, "I sense another devotional coming." He was right of course.

I shared with Robbie that our lives can get infested with "weeds" if we don't apply the proper fertilizer...
* Reading the Bible regularly
* Talking with God regularly
* Hanging out with other Christ-followers to hold us accountable
* Keeping a thankful heart

So remember to fertilize.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Practicing The Presence

On Sunday at my church, Andrew, our Creative Arts Pastor delivered a message that was incredible. The focus of the message was to answer the question, "How can I fully live my life with God?"

A lot of what Andrew spoke about was taken from a 16th century monk named Brother Lawrence. There is a book out which is very good called The Practice of the Presence of God which is a collection of letters from Brother Lawrence. In the letters it is revealed how he went about seeing God in everything in his life, even the pots and pans he needed to wash.

The following is a summary of how Brother Lawrence suggests we practice God's presence:

1. Seek purity in our lives
2. Find or create triggers (eg. put a sticky-note on your computer or every time you stop at a red light, pray and connect with God)
3. Practice inviting Him in

Great questions to ask or things to tell Him when inviting Him in:
* God, where are you in this situation?
* God, what would you have me do in this situation?
* God, what would you have me see or learn through this?
* God, be with me in this, I give you all that I am.

4. Don't be discouraged when it "doesn't work"
5. Offer yourself fully to God - "God, I'm all Yours. Make me more like You!"

"Lord of the pots and pans and things, make me a saint by getting meals and washing the plates."
Brother Lawrence

Rear View Mirror

"God always looks better in the rear view mirror than in the windshield."

That's a quote I recently heard that I really like. I was reflecting on that as I was writing a future newsletter for my subscribers this morning (if you would like to receive this at no charge, you can sign up at www.bleedership.com).

This particular newsletter issue I'm working on deals with the pain we experience in our lives and how God promises that He will use it for good if we love Him and are called according to His purpose (see Romans 8:28).

The way I see it, God can turn our tough stuff into good in a lot of ways, but in this particular newsletter I'm focusing on two:

1. It can later be used to help others who are going through similar struggles
2. It can be used to make us better and to further develop our character making us more suitable for the job God has for us

We need to remember that God does not waste anything, especially our hurts.

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 5:3-4

Growth

A couple of weeks ago I posted about a 5 ton pile of dirt that I had dumped on my driveway. the reason I did this was to re-landscape an area in my front yard. The area above is the almost finished project. The only thing left is for the grass to fill-in completely.

When I planted the grass, I did everything I was told to do with it. I spread the seed. I fertilized. I raked it in lightly. I watered it several times per day (and it has rained like crazy this month!). Yet, after ten days, I saw nothing, not even a little sprout of green anywhere.

So, I called the place where I purchased the seed. I was told to give it a couple more days as the ground has been cooler than normal (I guess because of global warming--lol). So when I got home that evening, I looked again, and grass was coming up--yea!

Each day I look out there to check its progress. Most days it just seems like there is no change. But over the course of a week, the change is pretty drastic.

Much like the spiritual growth path we all are on. There are some days when it just seems like nothing is happening, or it seems like we are moving backward! But, if we continue to seek after God, over the course of time He is fertilizing and watering and before we know it, we are much further than we ever thought possible.

Humility

Saturday night, I had the privilege of attending the induction ceremony of the 2010 class into the Ohio Basketball Hall of Fame in Columbus. My college coach, Bob Nichols was inducted along with an incredible group of people.

The event was very well orchestrated and one thing in particular stuck out to me. Each inductee was given instructions that they were to keep their remarks to no longer than two to three minutes. When I heard this, my immediate thought was, Yea, like that's going to happen.

Well, it did. If I had to sum up this entire class of honorees with one word, it would be humility. It seemed that every person who gave remarks took less time than was allotted and they deflected the honor and praise toward their teammates, players, fans, family or friends. Maybe that is why they are now in the hall of fame.

The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but man is tested be the praise he receives.

Proverbs 27:21

Apology

Last week I posted about the importance of being slow to speak. In the post, I used a video clip of the Wood Brothers and their song, Loaded. I was highlighting a great lyric from the song, "Sometimes the tip of my tongue is the barrel of a gun, and it’s loaded."

Anyway, I had never heard of this group before Scott, a friend of mine, introduced them to me. In the post I made reference to the fact that this type of music makes me cringe.

Scott apparently thought that I was misguided so he brought over their CD for me to listen to. I have to admit, I was open to it but I didn't have high hopes. However, my mind has been changed. I actually liked it. I don't know that I would buy the CD just yet, but I have found myself singing some of the songs to myself this past week...pretty scary.

So, to Scott, and all you other Wood Brothers fans out there, I apologize for not speaking more highly of them. I have seen the light!

Spectator Sport

I heard it said recently that a college football game is 22 people desperately in need of rest being watched by 100,000 people who are desperately in need of exercise. Pretty much right on.

This is a very similar view of the Church also. Not your local church, but the big "C" Church, the body of Christ. We need to transform the Church from a spectator sport to a participatory sport.

Many times we look at one another and compare ourselves to them. We may wish that we had abilities like they had. We might feel that because they seem so much more talented than us that we can't do anything to add any value. This is not true. God has designed each of us with unique talents and abilities to fulfill the purpose He set out for us.

I am sure there have been people who have said, "I can't do what Billy Graham does." That may be true. However, if there weren't the thousands of volunteers and workers performing their tasks behind the scenes, none of Billy Graham's events would have happened. We all have gifts and abilities and they are all equally important. We each have a role to play.

So let's get in the game!

We have different gifts according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Romans 12:6-8

Judging Others

A friend of mine sent me the link to this commercial from Ameriquest...absolutely hilarious.

I used to live in this world in which I didn't want to share anything about me to anyone, especially if it involved my weaknesses. That changed radically for me when I became part of a weekly men's group which met to study the Bible and "do life together."

I was pretty uptight about the first meeting. However, I remember driving home and feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders because I was able to share some burdens that I had been carrying alone.

Anyway, the point of all this is that during the first year and a half in this group, every one of us (6-7 in the group) had experienced a major life issue in which the support of the group helped immensely. It was during this time that I had the realization that we are all messed up people, every one of us. That has helped me on two fronts: 1. to be more open with others and 2. to hopefully not be as quick to judge others.

While the above video is pretty funny, it is also a good reminder to us to not judge others too quickly, or preferably not at all!

"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Matthew 7:2